By Wayne E. Rivet

Staff Writer

Payton Baumgardner misses her dad. 

“Dada went to his favorite place in the sky and became a star. He is the star right next to the moon,” Payton wrote in her book, Bye Bye Dada. “I try to see him every night. Sometimes, there are no stars and I feel sad.”

When she feels down, she can always flip through the pages of her book, which she wrote with Life Therapist Kimberly Leighton of Play Warriors. The book contains some of Payton’s favorite memories along with photos of her “Dada,” Ronnie James Baumgardner, who passed away suddenly in March 2018.

“The family reached out to me because I deal with grief and loss,” said Leighton, whose office is located on Main Street in Bridgton. “The kids were preschool and elementary age — one, it was her biological father, the other, his stepfather. Both were experiencing loss in different ways. One child was feeling overwhelmed by the experience of going to the hospital, not sure about things that were happening (seeing restraints on the dad’s hands as medication was received). There were lots of questions, should I see him or not see him in this state? Parents wondering what was best for the child?”

Through play, Leighton helps children work through emotions and behavioral issues. In the case of family loss, she decided to encourage the children — Payton and her brother, Kirby Vaughn — to tell their story about their “Dada” and stepdad.

“The more times they tell their story and the more comfortable they get with the facts of the story, they are able to get through it in a healthy way,” Leighton said.

While attending a Child Life conference, Leighton met a vendor from Books that Heal, which works with youngsters with different diagnoses to tell their stories and create books, which are sold on Amazon. Part of book sale proceeds go to a charity of the author’s choice. In this case, both children wanted to include their own illustrations (Kirby was assisted by his grandmother), along with photos of their dad/stepdad.

The book projects allowed the children to talk about their loss and their feelings.

“Many times, we simply look to fill the void and try to distract them as much as possible from feelings, because if that happens, we too have to feel. Sometimes, it is hard for a parent to do these types of activities with their kids because it brings up their own feelings of loss. This (Play Warriors) is a place they can express their feelings and have support,” Leighton said. “They will express themselves through their play. They know why they are coming to see me. This is a place they can share and express their feelings. Sometimes, they come in there is no word about dad, sometimes they might be painting and say, ‘I had a hard night because I miss daddy.’ It comes up naturally. When you give children permission and space to express themselves, it percolates up and out. It’s what my job is — to provide the safety and allow for it to happen. Sometimes, the book took several sessions over a long time to do.”

Mom Alexa Baumgardner could see both hurt and confusion in her children’s eyes as they came to grips with the loss. 

“No one ever expects or hopes to lose someone close to them. Let alone children, the most delicate, kind hearted, little humans on the planet. The loss of their dad/stepdad was the worst day of their entire lives. I remember the moment when I looked into Kirby and Payton’s eyes and it was like my whole world was crashing on top of me. They experienced this loss with their older sisters/stepsisters and I’m so beyond thankful for the strength they all had together. It’s a hurt, a pain, an emotion that you just can’t fix or take away,” she said. “We all went through moments of anger, depression, sadness, hopelessness and tried so hard to remember and hold onto the little moments that we had together and will forever cherish.

Kirby and Payton didn’t fully understand their feelings, their mom said. They didn’t know why it couldn’t be fixed or taken away. Their behaviors changed and what used to cause happiness and cheer caused pain. A pain that couldn’t be explained, Alexa said. 

“We worked closely with the Center of Grieving Children and that’s when we found Kim. Kim is truly, undoubtedly, our angel sent from heaven! She gave Kirby and Payton a safe, loving space to heal and understand. Kim gave them their smiles back and helped our family grow into our new norm. We will forever be thankful for her,” Alexa said. “Writing their books gave Kirby and Payton the opportunity to express their feelings, their memories, and share their stories so other kiddos that have experienced loss know they are not alone. Their books made them feel proud and gave them a sense of closure.” 

What did Payton and Kirby enjoy most about putting their books together?

“Both of them loved looking for and drawing the photos for their books. It allowed them to remember times spent with their dad/stepdad,” Alexa said. “They also both enjoyed working with Kim, Books That Heal and Family & Friends to put it all together.”

The kids were most proud of finishing their books and being able to share them with those who have experienced loss, as well. 

“They also both know that Ronnie is extremely proud of how strong they have become,” Alexa added.

And, how did she react when she read the books for the first time?

“When the kids read their books to the family for the first time, we were all uncontrollably crying. The books showed their hurt and their prospective but also the strength and power they had within them,” Alexa said.  “We were all incredibly proud of them and at awe of the Warriors they have become while working with Kim.” 

The kids also suffered the loss of their grandfather, “Papa Jim” Hathaway in June 2019. Kirby talked about both in his book, “The Magic Balloon.”

I can still see Ronnie in my mind and in nature. Like a dragonfly that I saw that was green and black, which were Ronnie and Papa Jim’s favorite colors…If I could write on a balloon that he could catch up in the sky, I would say, ‘I miss you and you were a really good stepdad — Kirby.

Payton and Kirby had hoped to follow in the footsteps of other published authors by holding a book signing with balloons at Bridgton Books. But, Covid-19 derailed the idea.

Meanwhile, Leighton has had conversations with funeral home directors, including Eric Nelson of Hall Funeral Home in Casco, about having books on hand for children to read and hopefully assist them in coping with their loss.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

People would like to donate to a special Play Warriors, Inc. fund for children in our community who are grieving the loss of a parent, they can send checks to:Play Warriors, Inc., 82 Main Street, Bridgton, ME 04009, subject line: “Grieving Children Fund”

In lieu of monetary donations, Play Warriors, Inc. is starting a volunteer branch where people can donate their time by running errands, doing housework, or providing drop-in child care for a PW family. Telephone: 207-387-7366.