Mike Corrigan

By Mike Corrigan

BN Columnist

All you have to do is drop the name of the World’s Most Respected News Organization and doors open. Yes, then they slam shut again, and wild laughter echoes from inside the room. But doors do open.

When I asked the Department of Justice to see Hillary Clinton's e-mail server, so that I might personally determine if national security interests had been breached by her clueless melding of personal business with official state messages about bribes and treaties and Deflategate and such, the reaction was scornful silence. But when I insisted I was from The Bridgton News and I demanded access under the Freedom of Information Act, some guy in a suit opened the door and said, “I TOLD you, sir...” just before I knocked him cold with a swift right cross and sneaked inside. (I may have watched too many action movies this summer.)

Following are the texts of the five e-mails I was able to copy down before the guards seized me and poured battery acid down my throat. Don’t worry, I didn’t talk. In fact, after the acid thing, I couldn’t talk.

To: Ashley Madison

Fm: Madame Secretary

Just checking to see how many times he e-mailed your site, this week. Just round off to the nearest ten.

To: Crown Prince Ahmed, Riyadh

Fm: Madame Secretary

Please accept our gift of a dozen more F-17 warplanes and $350 million, for air cover at Monday’s Royal Family Picnic. A receipt would be appreciated, but, you know, whatev. Allah Be Praised, etc., yrs, Hil

To: Vladimir Putin

Fm: Madame Secretary

Your proposal for an impromptu nuclear exchange between the two Great Powers is, of course, being given serious consideration at the highest levels of the diplomatic corps, before we turn the question of capabilities and execution over to the Joint Chiefs. America’s official position on this will be shock and disgust, but since no small set of benefits would accrue to the winner, other pressing issues would necessarily take a back seat, in your country, and ours, and around the world, thus turning down the heat on our respective administrations. America bows to your creative powers, O Czar of Moscow! Keep thinking! Yrs, Hil

To: Bill Clinton

Fm: Madame Secretary

On your way home, pick up a quart of milk, a loaf of bread, but no hookers, this time. My sources tell me those “entertainers” are not all “for the Secret Service boys,” nor will I ever be convinced that your “foreign affairs” meet “pressing constituent needs,” as your last e-mail contended. Yrs, “The Old Beeotch” (Your phone’s been tapped).

To: U.S. Ambassador, Egypt

Fm: Madame Secretary

Raise offer to ten billion dollars and as many dancing girls as State can provide. Also, promise “ultimate destruction of State of Israel, in due time.” Inform Israeli ambassador of “ultimate destruction of State of Egypt, in due time.” Do not deviate from this script. It’s called “detente.”

Glad Mike was able to send us these exclusive transcripts before being taken in by agents from the Democratic National Committee, for “re-education.”